18th
i have to make a decision.
i can’t keep putting this off and leaving people waiting. i need to pick an operation for my brain tumors. i need to pick a course of chemo. or i need to say no. i am not very good at making decisions. i need a pro/con list, i need to obsess over it for days, i need to talk to some about the pro/con list to make sure i didn’t miss anything, i need for someone to tell me what they would do. i need people to be on both sides so i can hear both arguments. i don’t have that. i only have people pushing me to do everything i can to last a few more months. i understand that rationale, but no one understands mine. when does it start being about the quality of life and not the length of it? what is the final push to make it ok for me to say no and walk away? to take whatever time i have left at home and not at the hospital, to not be miserable, to not have to say no to every outing. i want someone in my life to just tell me they understand that i am tired and that they do see i fought hard. i want someone to just understand that i cry every day, that i wish i wouldn’t have woken up every day, that i see what i will never get to be every day and that i don’t want that anymore. i want someone to tell me it’s ok. but all i get is ‘you can’t give up’ ‘you are so strong’ ‘i don’t want to lose you.’ i get it. and i’m sure if it were on the other foot i would be saying the same thing. i would be holding on for dear life because i couldn’t bear losing someone. but i lost me a long time ago. i am good at hiding the pain and hurt. i am good a hiding my symptoms and making it easier on everyone else. i’m good at that because there is nothing left in me, so i just shove it all down and put on a smile and say i’m fine. i realize watching a loved one suffer can be a bigger battle than the actual suffering. i realize i’m not the only one invested in this. but i am the one doing it, i am the one who will die. and i need to make a decision if i am going to keep fighting or if i’m going to walk away. i have no one telling me that walking away is an option. that option will never be ok with anyone but me. it makes me think that i will never live for me.
I love you and will stand behind whatever decision you make.
